Now onto a more topical subject. As you know by now, I like many things. One of the things that I like is a good old-fashioned ridiculous news story with no context. Not only do these stories provide hours of entertainment, they also afford me much delight when I hear people talking about them as though they themselves are experts on the subject. Thank you, stupid people, for keeping me entertained. Here's a bag of Funyuns. Enjoy.
Recently, just such a story made its way through the series of tubes we all know and love as the interwebs. Evidently, scientists have recently determined that certain hazardous chemicals have the power to turn birds gay, if they are exposed to them. First off, I'm happy to know that scientists have been able to have the time to study such fabulous things, as this can only mean one thing. Scientists have obviously found a cure for AIDS, and developed a method to actually cancel a membership with Colombia House Record Club!! With these two thorns in the side of humanity eradicated, scientists obviously had plenty of time to focus on gay birds. I would have expected to hear more from the media on these revolutionary advances, but I've been drinking a lot lately, so it's been pretty difficult to pull me away from the bug zapper. I missed this one, but I'll be watching you....science!
Now I'm no Nobel Prize winner, but I am pretty much the most brilliant person writing about gay birds these days, and I come from a fairly substantial position of authority, as I see birds almost every day. You can clearly see from my credentials that I am, in fact, qualified to speak to this issue.
I'm not saying that there is no such thing as toxic sludge that makes you gay, but those of us who are of a certain age are keenly aware that most toxic sludge does nothing more, nothing less than turning whatever or whomever is exposed into pizza slurping ninja crime fighters. I think I remember something about that in Darwin's book. Maybe poison does have the capacity to turn birds gay, but I just don't see birds being stupid enough to drink the Kool-Gayde. Don't get me wrong; birds are, of course, very stupid.
Why else would they let themselves be so tasty and delicious? But drinking poison gay-torade? I don't think so. Would you give up all of that sweet sweet bird action just for a beak full of gooey highlighter sauce? Of course not! I don't want to tell these supposed "scientists" that they are wrong, but hey, let's be honest; white coats don't exactly boost intelligence. If they did, butchers would have more than one thumb.
Birds aren't turning gay from sipping toxic cosmos. I submit that they always have been gay, and are just now comfortable enough with their sexualities to come out of their little birdie closets. They've been gay for a long time, but we are just now noticing it. (Remember when I told you about the recent advances in science, earlier, and how much free time scientists now have? And you thought I was just saying something stupid!)
"But Professor, (as you are no doubt calling me by now) how can we possibly know that birds are gay? They can't wear earrings to indicate their sexual preferences, as we the humans do." An excellent point, for sure. Now if you'll just shut up and stop interrupting me for a minute, I'll gladly tell you.
There is an armada of evidence to prove my brilliant point. The most obvious of which is on full display this time of year. All you must do is look to the sky to see what has been cleverly disguised for generations as "migration." The mass movement of birds southward is, in fact the largest, most well choreographed pride parade outside of San Francisco. Thousands upon thousands of birds unified for a singular cause, singing to one another with no regard for those around (or underneath...) them is evidence enough. But even more damning is the destination of the parade route. They are all heading to the tropics to wait out the winter, which is another thing gay birds LOVE.
You may also have noticed that every morning your alarm clock is rendered useless by the obnoxious cacophony of birds singing right outside your window, as if it had been planned at a secret meeting the night before. This is, of course, infuriating. Unless, that is, you are a gay bird. No straight creature is THAT thrilled to be up and bubbly that early in the morning. It's just unnatural to be so thrilled about another day. Unless, of course, your day consists of shopping, low carb fro-yo, and techno ab-dance workouts with the boys. It's not that the gayvians are up and thrilled at such an hour, though that is reason enough to suspect them, it's that they incessantly belt out show tunes at the top of their lungs, and dance through the trees (their Broadway) non-stop from 4 AM until brunch.
And when brunch does finally come along, what do you suppose gay birds eat? Bacon and eggs? A nice omelet? No. Of course not! Most of them just opt for a salad with no dressing, or even go so far as opting for only the salad toppings, which have WAY fewer carbs! (Yes, I am aware that both of the dishes I mentioned include eggs, which are to birds what flour and milk are to biscuits, but as we've already established, birds are quite stupid.)
After only a single year of intense ab workouts and sunrise musicals, birds never fail to treat themselves to an entire new and colorful wardrobe, because.....well, the deserve to look FABULOUS when they are busy looking for an ADORABLE new bird house in the Spring! After all, no self-respecting homosexual avian would DARE be seen wearing.....dare I say it? Last year's fashions!! Although they are not colorful, penguins are a perfect example of fashion forward fowls, with their impeccably pressed formal wear (you just NEVER know when you'll be invited to a masquerade ball!) every day of the year. Morgan Freeman may have told you otherwise, but penguins are actually the first animal to institute gay adoption.
I think I've made quite a strong case for the existence of flirty-birdies, but I sense that you have but one question remaining. "But Professor, what about the lady-birds? They can't possibly be gay too, can they?"
Of course they can! Allow me to destroy your doubt as painfully and quickly as possible. All you must do to see how deeply "lesbianic" (your move, Webster...) birdie bitches are, is to merely look at their wardrobe. Unlike their FABULOUS male counterparts, lady birds are the lumberjacks of the animal kingdom. No other creature wears so much tan without being sponsored by Carhart and making an impressive showing at the STIHL Timbersports Series. They can't sing and have nowhere near the skills of getting a worm in their beaks as their "male" counterparts. Half of the year, they just sit around in the nest all day because "eggs need heat to hatch!" I'm not buying that though, and neither should you.
Yes science may have discovered retarded birds that love nothing more than drinking toxic sludge, but that doesn't mean that the sludge is turning them gay. If that were true it would mean that bird gayness is a disease of sorts and not a genetic trait. We all know how science feels about that. (Suck on that logic, you greasy hippies!) Whether birds are born with the gay gene, or drink sludge that makes them want to put on the gay jeans, it really doesn't matter. I say we support them and accept them for who they are. This winter, as they parade across the sky to their tropical retreats, simply look skyward and give them a nod as they pass you by, and chant their noble slogan, "Feathered skins want cocks, not hens!"
But if they don't stop shitting on my car, I'm writing my congressman to have gay bird marriage banned!
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